{"id":568,"date":"2008-09-20T14:07:25","date_gmt":"2008-09-20T21:07:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/drjimtaylor.com\/blog\/?p=568"},"modified":"2008-09-20T14:07:25","modified_gmt":"2008-09-20T21:07:25","slug":"parenting-dont-shut-up-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.drjimtaylor.com\/4.0\/parenting-dont-shut-up-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting: Don’t Shut Up Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was all ready to discuss another topic in this issue of Kids & Culture Alert!<\/em> when I received the following email from a reader the other day:<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is a huge difference between telling a child to \u2018suck it up\u2019 and do their homework, and telling them to suck it up when dealing with emotions. My son reads your advice and interprets that any time his five-year-old son whines at all he needs to suck it up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, no parent likes to hear their children whine. It\u2019s frustrating and just plain irritating. It\u2019s easy to think that you have a whiny child and that you need to nip that behavior in the bud by just telling them to shut up (especially when a newsletter from a so-called parenting expert seems to advocate that approach!).<\/p>\n

But let me be very clear, though I totally support teaching your children to \u2018suck it up\u2019 when they complain about having to do something that they would rather not, I do not by any means suggest that you should tell them to \u2018shut up\u2019 when they are expressing their emotions\u2014even though that is what you would love to do sometimes!<\/p>\n

The fact is that your children\u2019s emotions are the most essential, yet most neglected, aspect of their development. Most essential because there is nothing more important to your children\u2019s future success and happiness than the development of what I call emotional mastery. Most neglected because, despite their importance, children don\u2019t take classes in emotions nor do they learn it from their parents in any thorough way.<\/p>\n

Emotional Overprotection<\/strong><\/p>\n

In attempting to protect their children from feeling badly, many parents prevent them from feeling emotions at all in the mistaken belief that feeling emotions, such as anger, sadness, frustration, or pain, will somehow scar their children for life. To the contrary, not feeling so-called bad emotions hurts children in two ways. First, emotions are like two sides of the same coin; children can\u2019t feel good emotions, such as excitement, joy, and inspiration, unless they are allowed to feel the bad emotions too. Second, without feeling bad emotions children never learn to deal with those emotions. This protection leaves children wholly unprepared for the \u201creal world\u201d where bad emotions are just a part of life.<\/p>\n

Not-so-obvious Emotions<\/strong><\/p>\n

The challenge for parents, like the one referred to in the email above, is to be able to look beneath the irritation of the emotions that are most readily evident and get at the true emotions that your children are experiencing. For example, when children have a temper tantrum, anger is rarely the real emotion. It\u2019s easy to label a child as having \u201canger management\u201d issues or as \u201cacting out,\u201d but these are just labels assigned by parents and mental-health professionals in an attempt to simplify the incredible complexity of human beings. Anger is a defensive emotion aimed at protecting children (and adults) from more painful emotions such as fear, sadness, and humiliation. Whininess is the overt expression of children feeling frustrated, not getting their needs met, or feeling out of control (all of which, I might add, is a normal part of being a kid). When you understand the true emotions your children are feeling, you are then in a position to teach them how to become masters rather than victims of their emotions.<\/p>\n

Parents as Emotional Masters<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your children learn their most basic emotional habits from you through observation and modeling. The development of emotional mastery is greatly facilitated when you possess the qualities that your children need to learn. The reality is though that most parents\u2014like most people\u2014carry with them some unhealthy emotional baggage and habits from their childhoods that, if left unchecked, will be passed on to their children. If you are an emotional victim, it is likely that, unless your children have other strong role models to influence them, they too will become emotional victims. If you are an emotional master, you have a good start on instilling positive emotional habits in them.\u00a0One of the strongest recommendations I can make to you is to explore your emotional life and ensure that you are capable of teaching your children to be emotional masters.<\/p>\n

Emotional Coaching<\/strong><\/p>\n

Emotional mastery is not about not feeling emotions or suppressing the emotions that your children feel. Instead, it involves children being able to recognize what emotion they are experiencing, understand what is causing the emotion, and being able to express the emotion in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

You can facilitate your children\u2019s understanding by engaging in \u201cemotional coaching,\u201d in which you guide your children in the exploration of their emotional worlds. Identify situations as opportunities for them to learn about their emotions, such as hurt feelings over a disappointing performance or anger over a conflict with a friend. Children can easily separate negative from positive emotions, but only with experience can they learn the differences between different negative emotions. When your children feel bad, they need to be able to distinguish whether they are, for example, fearful, angry, frustrated, sad, or hurt. Describe different ways a person might feel in that situation and compare those feelings with what they are feeling at the moment. Research has shown that emotional coaching can act as a buffer against a variety of psychological problems and children who are coached emotionally focus more effectively, are better learners, and do better in school.<\/p>\n

Children can get so wrapped up in the negative emotions of the moment that they are unable to step back and see that their reactions are not serving them well. This is a point at which you can intervene. For example, here\u2019s a conversation you can have with your children when they begin to lose it emotionally. Ask the following questions (and try to elicit something akin the following responses):<\/p>\n