{"id":1891,"date":"2011-05-12T16:00:01","date_gmt":"2011-05-12T23:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/drjimtaylor.com\/blog\/?p=1891"},"modified":"2011-05-12T16:00:01","modified_gmt":"2011-05-12T23:00:01","slug":"parenting-disappointment-is-good","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.drjimtaylor.com\/4.0\/parenting-disappointment-is-good\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting: Disappointment is Good"},"content":{"rendered":"

The spring is a bittersweet time for young people. For high school seniors, their secondary education is coming to an end and they are either experiencing the highs of acceptance into or the lows of rejection from their first choice of college. For winter and spring sport athletes, their seasons have come to a conclusion. Many will look back on the year with pride and look forward to the next chapter in their lives with anticipation and excitement. Others will be forced to reflect on the year with disappointment and may approach their futures with doubt and worry. For this group the operative emotion is disappointment.<\/p>\n

As parents, you hate to see your children disappointed. They are sad, downtrodden, and seem to have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Your heart aches for their pain and you want to do everything you can to relieve them of that disappointment. But that would be a mistake!<\/p>\n

Certainly, disappointment is not a pleasant emotion; it feels really bad, in fact. But that doesn’t mean it is a bad emotion to be avoided at all costs. To the contrary, disappointment is actually a healthy and positive emotion that plays an essential role in children’s emotional, intellectual, and social development. But only if\u2014and it’s a big if\u2014you and your children understand the real value of in helping them to achieve their goals.<\/p>\n

What is Disappointment?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Disappointment is perhaps the most immediate emotion children experience after a perceived failure. Disappointment involves the feelings of thwarted desire, loss, and discouragement when children fail to fulfill their hopes and expectations\u2014or those of others. Children are going to feel disappointment when they don\u2019t achieve their goals or believe they have let you down.<\/p>\n

Disappointment is a natural response to failure, but some children react to their disappointment in ways that increase the likelihood of more failure and disappointment. These children who are faced with disappointment reduce their effort, give up easily, or quit all together. This reaction to disappointment can cause them to feel incompetent and inadequate, which, if persistent, will lower their self-esteem and will definitely prevent them from achieving their future goals. Though some disappointment following failure is normal, children who are hit hard by disappointment mope around the house, look demoralized, and feel sorry for themselves for far longer than they should.<\/p>\n

“Protecting” Your Children From Disappointment<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your natural tendency when you see your children feeling badly is to try to make them feel better. Mollifying your children with excessive expressions of affection or by buying them gifts, though it may bring them some immediate relief and make you feel better, does far more harm than good. Writes the author Allison Armstrong: \u201cMany parents today try too hard to smooth away life\u2019s rough edges in the hopes of keeping disappointment at bay \u2026Children with no experience solving life\u2019s little setbacks have a much harder time when they\u2019re faced with the big ones.\u201d Placating your children doesn\u2019t allow them to understand what caused the disappointment and figure out how to not feel disappointed in the future. Your children need to be able to just sit with their disappointment and ask \u201cWhy do I feel so bad?\u201d and \u201cWhat can I do to get over feeling this way?\u201d Pacifying your children may also communicate to them that you don\u2019t think they are capable of handling and overcoming the setback. Your reaction will only interfere with your children\u2019s ability to surmount future obstacles and it will make disappointment more painful in the future.<\/p>\n

The Right Attitude Toward Disappointment<\/strong><\/p>\n

Disappointment is a normal, though difficult, part of growing up. Your children will inevitably experience disappointment in school, sports, the arts, and in their social lives. How your children learn to respond to disappointment will determine its impact on their future achievement and happiness.<\/p>\n

You can teach your children to see stumbling blocks as opportunities to improve and grow. Offering your children a different perspective on their disappointment\u2014\u201cI know it feels bad right now, but what can you learn from it?\u201d\u2014gives them tools they can use to avoid or minimize their disappointment in the future, and to turn the obstacles to their advantage by increasing resilience, motivation, and confidence.<\/p>\n

After \u201cfalling off the horse,\u201d your children will naturally feel a brief period of letdown, but then you must encourage them to pick themselves up and get back on the horse, that is, get back to pursuing their goals. By staying positive and enthusiastic, you can show your children a better way of feeling in response to failure and guide them in finding a way to overcome their setbacks and return to their path of achievement.<\/p>\n

Rather than the disappointment disheartening your children and causing them to feel bad about themselves, you can help your children use the experience to affirm their capabilities by showing them that they can conquer their past failures. For example, if your child is struggling in their sport, you can tell her how common it is for young athletes to reach plateaus and how these \u201cflat spots\u201d in their progress are necessary and usually a prelude to another period of improvement. You can also encourage her to keep working hard and express your confidence that her progress will continue.<\/p>\n

How You Respond to Your Children’s Disappointment<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your attitude toward your children\u2019s inevitable disappointments will influence how they responds to life\u2019s obstacles. If you also react with disappointment, you placing on their shoulders the burden of double disappointment: theirs and the realization that they have let you down.<\/p>\n

You should view your children\u2019s disappointments as positive experiences that prepare them for adulthood. \u201cChildhood disappointment is actually a practice lap on the course to adulthood. If you run interference whenever disappointment threatens, you\u2019re setting kids up to run a marathon without ever letting them train for it,\u201d adds Allison Armstrong. You must convey to your children that failure and disappointment are a part of life and what matters is how they react to it. You can also give your children a boost by showing them that you believe in them, that they should have faith in themselves, and that if they keep trying, they will probably reach their goals: \u201cLife is full of setbacks and disappointment, dear, but if you keep working hard, I know you can overcome them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here are some suggestions on how to respond to your children\u2019s disappointments:<\/p>\n