When was the last time you had a disagreement, conflict, or all-out fight (I\u2019ll call them conflicts from now on) with someone close to you? If you are a breathing human being, the chances are it occurred in the last day or so. Whether with a spouse, parent, child, sibling, other family member, friend, or co-worker, conflicts are a natural and inevitable part of the human condition. Conflicts can arise over just about anything, from the mundane (e.g., what to have for dinner) to the every day (e.g., how to spend your time) to the petty (e.g., are the Red Sox or the Yankees better?) to the absurd (e.g., iPhone or Android?) to the monumental (e.g., global security). Conflicts can occur over differences of opinion in goals, needs, politics, religion, power, money, the list goes on.<\/p>\n
Of course, the best way to deal with a conflict is to prevent it from occurring. Though certainly a challenge, such conflict preemption can happen if you:<\/p>\n
Conflicts that arise and aren\u2019t resolved in a healthy manner are so harmful to relationships because they produce a tsunami of intense negative emotions including annoyance, irritation, hurt, sadness, disappointment, frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, guilt, shame, fear, and misery, just to name a few. What makes this plethora of emotions so damaging is that, with an unresolved conflict, they linger and can metastasize to the point where the relationship is destroyed, leading to estrangement, ostracism, and, in the case of marriage, divorce.<\/p>\n
Given the ubiquity of conflicts in our lives, it\u2019s not a matter of whether we have them or not (no matter how hard most of us try, they are going to happen), but rather how we respond to them. Admittedly, there\u2019s not a lot we can do about conflicts that occur at the societal level. But, there is a great deal we can do when we have conflicts with people close to us in our daily lives.<\/p>\n
A colleague of mine talks about conflicts as \u201cruptures\u201d in a relationship and asserts that they can be healthy and actually strengthen relationships, but only if a \u201crepair\u201d occurs. This reparation phase is where my three keys to resolving conflict come into play.<\/p>\n
Vulnerability<\/strong><\/p>\n As members of the animal kingdom, no matter how evolved we may be, when involved in a conflict, our survival instinct is triggered and our fight-or-flight reaction occurs. Our instinctive response is to protect ourselves against \u201cdeath\u201d (our primitive brain can\u2019t distinguish between physical and psychological threats). This reaction can either mean attacking the other person or avoiding the confrontation all together. Neither case typically produces a repair or a resolution to the conflict.<\/p>\n When faced with the threat associated with a conflict, the first step is to resist eons of evolution and, instead of protecting yourself, show your vulnerability<\/em> toward the person with whom you are in conflict. When you put up your guard against the other person, they will to, resulting in a standoff. By the same token, if you show your vulnerability, so likely will they. And with this openness, there is a chance to repair the damage that may have been done. Vulnerability can be expressed in several ways including by showing your own feelings of hurt from the conflict, voicing regret, and apologizing. Admittedly, being vulnerable is risky and takes considerable courage because the other person may not be so forgiving and may use your vulnerability to inflict more damage. But, in most cases, especially involving long-standing, caring, and respectful relationships, vulnerability offered is vulnerability reciprocated.<\/p>\n Accountability<\/strong><\/p>\n Another almost instinctive reaction in a conflict is to blame the other person\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s not my fault!\u201d This reaction is an unconscious means of protecting our self-esteem; you don\u2019t have to feel bad about yourself if you didn\u2019t do anything wrong. However, conflicts rarely arise in a vacuum or unilaterally. Rather, each person likely plays a role in the emergence of the conflict, so the second key is your own accountability<\/em> for your part in the conflict.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re in protective mode, the chances are that you won\u2019t be able to accept some culpability for the conflict. But, if you embraced vulnerability, holding yourself accountable is much easier because the two go hand in hand. Similar to vulnerability, by taking ownership of your part in the conflict, the other person is more likely to do the same. And when you de-escalate the conflict, it makes it much easier for the other person take some responsibility for their part as well.<\/p>\n Responsivity<\/strong><\/p>\n Vulnerability and accountability are really impactful, especially if they are genuine and heartfelt. At the same time, they are both talk and, as the saying goes, \u201ctalk is cheap.\u201d The final key to resolving conflict involves responsivity<\/em>, meaning you put your actions where your mouth is and you respond in a positive way to the conflict.<\/p>\n The best way to defuse a conflict is to take action signaling that you want to settle the conflict and repair any damage that may have been done. Here are some steps you can take:<\/p>\n When you show vulnerability, accountability, and responsivity in the face of a conflict, you demonstrate a strength, confidence, and unselfishness that will earn you admiration, respect, and appreciation that will pay dividends in future conflicts. Also, both you and the other person will walk away from the conflict feeling \u201crepaired\u201d and good about your relationship. And, like muscles, the more you use them, the\u00a0 stronger they get and the easier it is to use them in the future. These three keys will also just plain make you feel good because you took the high road and did the right thing. And that should give you plenty of \u201cwarm fuzzies,\u201d which are far better than the truly unpleasant emotions that you will feel if you leave the conflict laying on the floor ruptured.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When was the last time you had a disagreement, conflict, or all-out fight (I\u2019ll call them conflicts from now on) with someone close to you? If you are a breathing human being, the chances are it occurred in the last day or so. 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