{"id":13157,"date":"2018-08-30T10:00:50","date_gmt":"2018-08-30T17:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.drjimtaylor.com\/4.0\/?p=13157"},"modified":"2018-08-30T10:00:50","modified_gmt":"2018-08-30T17:00:50","slug":"dont-raise-independent-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.drjimtaylor.com\/4.0\/dont-raise-independent-children\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Raise Independent Children"},"content":{"rendered":"

In my first parenting book, Positive Pushing<\/a><\/em>, I wrote a section titled \u201cRaise an Independent Child\u201d in which I recommended that parents should allow their children to gain independence from them as soon as possible. They should give their children the freedom to become their own people and navigate the world on their own. I remember embracing my own advice when I became a father and doing everything I could to encourage my daughters to venture out into the world without me.<\/p>\n

Well, folks, I was wrong and I retract everything I said back then. Now you might be thinking: \u201cWait a minute! I shouldn\u2019t teach my kids to be independent? But I don\u2019t want them to depend on me the rest of their lives. That sounds like a recipe for adult disaster!\u201d So, let me explain.<\/p>\n

I realized that independence is an illusion. As human beings, we are social creatures incapable of being truly independent. Rather, we depend on others all the time. The key here is who are dependent on. If you foster what you believe is independence in your children, what you are really doing is detaching yourself from your children. In this disconnected state, your children will seek out others to become dependent on for their values and attitudes about themselves and the world, support and validation, and a sense of connectedness.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the problem. The two most likely groups that your children will glom onto are their peers and our popular culture. And let me say right now and unequivocally that you don\u2019t want either of these to be whom your children become dependent on. Why?<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with peers. They seem like a good group because they include friends, schoolmates, and teammates. Peers talk the same language and share similar experiences. At the same time, though peers may like your children, they are still fundamentally selfish beings driven to satisfy their own needs and goals. They simply don\u2019t have our children\u2019s best interests at heart. Plus, peers don\u2019t necessarily know what is best for your children. And, as we all know, peers also have limited executive functioning capabilities and who don\u2019t always make good decisions.<\/p>\n

Now, let\u2019s talk about popular culture. As I described in my second parenting book, Your Children are Under Attack<\/a><\/em>, popular culture is no friend of your children. It cares about one thing and one thing only, making money. And it will say and do anything to that manipulative end. This influence that popular culture has over children has only grown with the rise of social media which now acts as a direct and ever-present conduit into the minds of young people. Popular culture wants your children to become dependent on them because it means that it can shape how they think of themselves, the values they come to embrace, and the decisions they make, none of which will be in your children\u2019s best interests.<\/p>\n

I hope I\u2019ve made it clear to you that independence isn\u2019t all it\u2019s cracked up to be. At the same time, dependence isn\u2019t a particularly desirable endgame either. But dependence has gotten a bad rap. When most people think about dependence they think of children who never grow up, who become those \u201cboomerang\u201d kids who, after graduating from college, end up living at home because they seem in capable of assuming the mantel of adulthood and taking care of themselves.<\/p>\n

Let me reframe dependence and independence in ways that should be more palatable to you and that provides you with an endgame that will actually serve your children well as they develop toward adulthood.<\/p>\n

I think about dependence in a far more positive light. I see it as your children being connected to you. Children don\u2019t often know what to think, feel, or do in situations they are faced with in their young lives. So, they look elsewhere for guidance in how to react to those situations. In this light, dependence is really about counting on you to provide them with the advice and direction they need to make the best decisions for themselves. So, the bottom line is to not release your children into the wild until you are confident that they can find a healthy individual or group to which they can become dependent on.<\/p>\n

Now for independence. Instead of raising independent children, I want you to raise self-reliant children. You might think that I\u2019m just parsing words and that they mean the same thing. But I would argue that they are very different in their meaning and their impact on children. Independence is defined as<\/a> being \u201cfree from outside control.\u201d As I argued above, that\u2019s just not going to happen for young people. Plus, the focus of the meaning is on forces outside of your children.<\/p>\n

By contrast, self-reliance means<\/a> being \u201cconfident in your own abilities and able to do things for yourself.\u201d Expanding on that definition, I see self-reliance as children developing an essential set of life tools:<\/p>\n