The day of a game is a stressful time for athletes and parents alike. Athletes are putting their efforts on the line and must accept that those efforts don\u2019t always pay off in sports. Parents want the best for their children and it pains us beyond pale to see our kids not find the success that they want so much.<\/p>\n
Because of this impact on them and us, we as parents want to do everything we can to help them both before and after games. This is where parents have a tremendous capacity to engage in magical thinking. Let me explain.<\/p>\n
As the parents of our children, we think we have a lot of power over them. And, to a great extent we do, having been the most influential forces in who they are as evolving people. And this belief in that power to impact our children extends down to how they do on game day. Parents so want to believe that if they just say the right thing, their kids will magically play incredibly well.<\/p>\n
Wanting to leverage that power, a common question I\u2019m asked by parents is: \u201cWhat can I say to my kid on game day that will help them have a successful performance?\u201d You do have some seemingly magical power, but, sadly, that power can only hurt your kids\u2019 efforts.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s what I believe. Nothing you can say to your kids will make them play better. Not \u201cYou can do it!,\u201d \u201cWe believe in you!,\u201d \u201cHave fun!,\u201d \u201cTry your hardest,\u201d or \u201cGo for it!\u201d You can\u2019t psych them up, remind them of what they should work on, or somehow increase their motivation, confidence, intensity, or focus. They will play as well as they are capable on that day regardless of the \u201cmotivational\u201d lines or \u201cinspirational speeches you give them.<\/p>\n
But, unfortunately, you do have the ability to ensure that they don\u2019t play well with what you say to them. Your words can create pressure, make them nervous, shift their focus to results, cause them to think about you, cause them to think about their competitors, reduce their motivation and confidence, and make them afraid to race. \u201cYou can win!,\u201d \u201cUse good technique!,\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ll be cheering for you!,\u201d or \u201cGo out there and beat Johnny [or Suzie]!\u201d are all pretty much a kiss of death for your kids on game day.<\/p>\n
I have two suggestions before a game. Before they join their team to warm up, give them a big hug and say, \u201cI love you!\u201d Then, stay away from them until after the game. If they see you before the game, resist the urge to say something and simply smile and give them a big thumbs up or blow them a kiss. And, BTW, as the father of two young athletes, I do my best to practice what I preach. And, yes, it\u2019s really difficult.<\/p>\n
Another question I\u2019m also frequently asked is: \u201cWhat do I say to my kid after a game?\u201d My first piece of advice is, whether they had a good game or bad game, don\u2019t rush right up to them. An important part of your kids learning to deal with both success and failure in sports (and life) is to allow them to sit with their performance, deeply experience whatever emotions they might feel (whether frustration, disappointment, elation, or joy) and figure out for themselves what they think of their efforts. If they had a great game, you want them to be able to revel in their success and allow those good feelings to sink in deep. If they had a disappointing game, your first urge is to rush up to them and protect them from the pain of failure by comforting, assuaging, and placating them. That is the worst thing you can do. One of the great emotional lessons your young athletes can learn is how to deal with the inevitable ups and downs that will occur in their sports lives. And those lessons require that they be allowed to feel bad. So, success or failure, give your young athletes the space to fully experience their performances before you swoop in and give them congratulations or condolences.<\/p>\n
Once you give them that space, ideally, you want them to come to you rather than you go to them. When you do connect, what do you say? If they had a great game, the most common refrains I\u2019ve heard include \u201cYou won!,\u201d \u201cYou were so good!,\u201d and \u201cYou were a star out there!,\u201d Suffice it to say, none of these comments are very helpful to your children.<\/p>\n
If they had a game that you know is going to be disappointing to them, don\u2019t try to make them feel better; it won\u2019t work. Comments such as \u201cYou\u2019ll get \u2018em next game!,\u201d \u201cI thought you played really well!,\u201d or \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d won\u2019t be helpful at all. You can\u2019t just make young athletes\u2019 disappointment go away and you don\u2019t want it to just go away. If those unpleasant feelings just disappear, your children miss out on an essential opportunity to experience their emotions and to gain emotional mastery.<\/p>\n
If they had a game that you know was good, don\u2019t feel compelled to tell them how good a game it was; they know when they \u201cdone good.\u201d So, there\u2019s really no reason for compliments such as \u201cYou were awesome!,\u201d \u201cGood job!,\u201d or \u201cWay to go!\u201d Their actual success is all they need to validate their efforts, build their confidence and get or keep them excited about sports participation. Plus, unless you played or coached their sport at a high level, your comments have about as much credibility as, well, someone who doesn\u2019t know anything about their sport.<\/p>\n
I have two suggestions for what to say and do after a game, whether a success or failure. First, just like before their game, give a hug and tell them, \u201cI love you.\u201d If they are really sad after a disappointing game, don\u2019t say anything more. Going back to that power we think we have to make our kids feel magically better, but don\u2019t really have, just hold them close and be fully there with them in their sadness. Yes, they feel sad, which is hard on any parent, but they also feel supported because you\u2019re there.<\/p>\n
Second, I learned this from Wayne Bryan, the father of the multiple Grand Slam tennis doubles champions, Mike and Bob Bryan. His advice, and what he did after every match with his boys, was to simply say, \u201cWhere do you want to eat?\u201d The message you send your young athletes is that you\u2019re at the game, so you obviously care about their sports. At the same time, you\u2019re also sending them a message that how they did wasn\u2019t that important to you. And, especially after a disappointing loss, Wayne said that he just wanted his boys to get the messages that they\u2019ll be okay and that life goes on. And I can\u2019t think of better messages to send to our young athletes after they put so much of themselves into whatever sport that they have chosen to pursue.<\/p>\n